Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
