today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
