im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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