Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
