i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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