Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
