there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
