Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
