i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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