Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
