now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
