Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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