Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
