chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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