my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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