Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
