we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
