My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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