If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So. Much. Porn.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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