Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
