Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
