Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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