I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
