On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
