Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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