somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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