so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
