I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
