I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
