im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
