I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
