I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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