It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
