my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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