after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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