She said her name was "party"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
