Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
