I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
