just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
two words: eviction party
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
