guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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