...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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