The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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