dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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