someone threw a dead crab at me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
