see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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