were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Randomize
