I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
