you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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