I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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