I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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