An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
