you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
