I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
