At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
