and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
