just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
