I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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