don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
